


A Green Thumb (or the lack thereof)

by Sometimesalwayssarcastic



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Basically just a cute one-shot, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff, Leave your brain cells behind for this, M/M, Remus can't either, Sirius can't grow plants, There's so much angst and sadness for this pairing so they deserve some happiness, but he'd be damned before he lets some stupid houseplants depress his boyfriend, just silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-10-05 17:44:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17329562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sometimesalwayssarcastic/pseuds/Sometimesalwayssarcastic
Summary: “That’s a cactus, Pads.” James had sighed, his hand raking listlessly through his already bedraggled hair, “A cactus. Do you have any idea how hard those things are to kill? Lily recommended that muggle plant for you specifically because we thought that even you couldn’t kill it.”Sirius had the decency to look embarrassed at that, and he refused to glance away from the extremely deceased plant still placed before the window. He had really thought this one would make it; Steven had showed so much potential.“You wankers just wait; my next plant will flourish!”A series of disbelieving grunts echoed throughout the room at Sirius’ assertion and it took all of his willpower not to chuck the dead plant at their heads.xxxxSirius struggles to successfully grow muggle house plants and Remus exasperatedly tries to help as discretely as he can.





	A Green Thumb (or the lack thereof)

Despite Sirius’ best efforts, he appeared to be incapable of sustaining the life of muggle plants.

Whether it was a simple flower or a potential tree, Sirius never saw the seeds grow into more than a small sprout before they began to wilt and die.

It was a curse, he claimed at the exasperated looks his friends dealt him the morning he woke up to see his latest plant collapsed pitifully in its pot.

The poor thing never stood a chance.

“That’s a cactus, Pads.” James had sighed, his hand raking listlessly through his already bedraggled hair, “A _cactus_. Do you have any idea how hard those things are to kill? Lily recommended that muggle plant for you specifically because we thought that even _you_ couldn’t _kill_ it.”

Sirius had the decency to look embarrassed at that, and he refused to glance away from the extremely deceased plant still placed before the window. He had really thought this one would make it; Steven had showed so much _potential_.

“Moony killed his too!” The Black took to pointing out in a feeble attempt to shift the attention elsewhere, his gaze flickering briefly to the bed across from his own. It was there that he could see Remus staring at the scene in sleepy amusement, “He killed his cactus Jim last year and you lot didn’t nag him about it!”

“That’s because I had already warned Lily that the plant was doomed to perish.” The werewolf yawned, casting the pot an entertained glance before shrugging, “Werewolves just don’t have green thumbs – comes with their destructive nature, I suppose.”  
“That’s shit and you know it, Moony!”

“Maybe, but the fact remains that you still managed to kill a plant that requires little to no attention. Congrats, Pads, I think you actually killed it faster than I did.”  
“You know, I actually think Moony’s right, Padfoot.” Peter piped up from his own bed, apparently awoken by the conversation, “Even with Moony blatantly ignoring his plant it survived at least a few months. You managed to kill Steven in only a few weeks.”

James broke into laughter and Sirius sputtered indignantly at that revelation, his arms crossing his chest in irritation.

If only he could get rid of people as swiftly as he did his green friends.

“How the hell am I supposed to actually keep these things healthy? If I water them too much they die, and if I don’t water them enough they die!”

“The key is moderation, Pads, my friend, something you have never been good at.” Prongs jeered, clapping Sirius on the back before he wandered towards the bathroom to get ready for the day, “For the sake of other unfortunate plants in the world just give it up. You just don’t have a green thumb.”

A green thumb, the muggle phrase Lily and Remus had explained to him after his first plant met its tragic end. Sirius hated the phrase and, despite all evidence to the contrary, insisted that he did, in fact, have that metaphorical colored thumb. He just had to prove it to them.

“You wankers just wait; my next plant will flourish!”

A series of disbelieving grunts echoed throughout the room at Sirius’ assertion and it took all of his willpower not to chuck the dead plant at their heads.

 

xxxxxx

  

“I’ve discovered the problem!”  
Remus raised an eyebrow as his boyfriend slammed the door to their room open and issued his proclamation, the book in his lap momentarily forgotten. In the other boy’s hands were two plants, muggle plants, Remus could tell, and he automatically felt pity for the doomed things.

“And what would that be, Pads?”

Grinning at the werewolf, Sirius brandished the small pots around exuberantly. Soil tipped carelessly onto the floor from the swift motions and Remus barely managed to bite back a sigh at his childish lover.

“I’ve figured out why the plants keep dying; it’s because they’re lonely! I’ve always grown them one at a time, so of course they’d be lonely!”  
Remus opened his mouth to make a retort to that rather flawed stream of logic, but opted against saying anything quite yet. He figured it would be far more entertaining to see what else his boyfriend had to say on the topic before he offered any sarcastic quips.

“Is that right?”

The black haired boy nodded rigorously at the question and darted across the room to proudly lay both plants on the windowsill. Steven had, regrettably (though only to Sirius) been thrown out the same day that he died, leaving more than enough room for the newest cursed crops.

There was a moment of silence between the two as Sirius carefully reorganized the pots so that they received ample sunlight and were close enough to fraternize. That is, if plants even could fraternize, though Remus highly doubted that they did. Sirius, on the other hand, thought Remus was merely being too pessimistic.

It was only after several minutes of careful surveying that the animagus seemed content with the new positions of his plants (which he pride fully dubbed Phillip and Freddie).

 “Excellent! Now that I have two plants maybe they’ll grow faster! Make it a race! They’ll have companionship to keep them alive this time!”  
“Or they’ll commit joint suicide.” Remus murmured with a smirk, just barely ducking down in time to avoid the small book that hurled straight towards his head, “Touchy, are we?”

Sirius grumbled at his boyfriend’s rather unhelpful teasing, although he couldn’t quite hide the small smile quirking his lips up into a fond grin.

“You just wait Moony, soon these plants will have you eating those words.”

“Whatever you say, Pads.”

 

 xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

“But I did everything I was supposed to!” Sirius whined one morning several weeks later as he eyed the two slowly browning plants on the sill, “I’ve watered them weekly, have made sure they’ve gotten enough sunlight and everything!”

Peter shrugged at the clearly downtrodden boy before tiredly shuffling past him to get to the bathroom,

“Maybe they just don’t like you.”

“Oh bugger off, Wormy!”

There was an edge of emotion to Sirius’ usually calm voice that caused Remus to frown. He had initially shouldered off Sirius’ compliant, convinced it was just some of his usual morning drama, but that tone told him quite plainly that it was more than that.

Sirius seemed actually hurt by his inability to successfully grow something and it was that revelation that encouraged Remus to climb out of bed and instead pull his boyfriend into a hug. When Sirius buried his head into the werewolf’s neck and wrapped his arms tightly around his waist, Remus could tell he was right.

“They don’t look that bad, Pads.” He attempted to convince his friend as he stared at the admittedly unhealthy looking plants before him. There was still a bit of green in the stems, but there was also an undeniable shade of brown beginning to mar the leaves of the crop. Remus knew they wouldn’t last more than a week at this rate, “It’s not too late, you can save it.”

Sirius made a noncommittal noise against his throat at the reassurance and Remus merely pulled the boy closer.

“I fucking hate plants.” Sirius murmured and, Remus had never agreed with his lover more.

 

Xxxxxxxx

 

Sirius was shocked when, several days later, his sickly plants finally took a turn for the better. Instead of appearing brown and fragile, they began to look considerably more green and strong. It seemed as though he had finally gotten the hang of that gardening thing.

“Look at that, Moony!” Sirius grinned as he grabbed his boyfriend by the wrist and dragged him over to the windowsill, “It’s healthy and alive. Told you I could save them!”  
Remus snorted at that, knowing full well that _he_ was the one that had convinced Sirius that the plant was not past saving, but opted against voicing that point. He would gladly let his boyfriend accept the credit if it brought that pure smile to his lips.

“It looks much better, Pads.” He chuckled, pecking the other lightly on the cheek before gently pulling his wrist from his grip so he could dump his school bag on his bed, “Maybe all they needed really was a fellow plant friend.”

The smile Remus received in response was so warm and vibrant that the werewolf felt his heart clench in sheer adoration for the other man.

“All anyone needs is a friend to help them heal, right?”

Too stumped by emotion, the taller of the two could only nod wordlessly.

 

xxxxxxxxxxx

 

“They’re actually growing.” James mumbled in astonishment one evening a month later, his eyes wide as he stared in surprise at the prospering plants before him. He paused for a moment after issuing the statement before reaching up and grabbing his glasses, cleaning the lenses thoroughly for a moment before putting them back on. For some reason he just seemed to be even more shocked when they still looked green and healthy, “Well bollocks, I can’t believe Pads actually managed to grow something.”  
Remus merely hummed softly in agreement, his light eyes glinting in amusement at his friend’s blatant shock.

“I guess Sirius really has a nourishing side to him after all.” James continued, a proud smile lifting the corners of his lips as he turned to look at the only other person in the room, “Looks like we were wrong.”

“Looks like it.”  
The two smiled at one another for several more seconds before James shook his head and chuckled.

“I’ll be damned. I’ll have to tell Lily about this. Well, I’m off to Quidditch practice. See you later, Moons.”

With well-practiced grace James effortlessly snatched his Quidditch bag and broom from his bed before offering Remus a wave, which the werewolf leisurely returned.

“See you later, Prongs.”  
The door shut with a soft bang as James exited and Remus listened carefully as his friend’s steps proceeded down the hallway until they disappeared altogether.

He’d finally have silence.

“If only you knew, Prongs.” Remus whispered faintly to himself with a chuckle, “If only you knew.”  
His attention returned to his book, intent to finally finish the novel, when a sudden knock on the door a short time later diverted his attention once more.

That was strange, he mused, none of his fellow Marauders bothered to knock before entering, and there really weren’t many other people who bothered visiting their room.

“Come in.” Remus called, his gaze curious as he watched the door open to reveal a grinning Lily Evans, “Oh, Lily. If you’re looking for James he already left for Quidditch practice.”  
“I know.” The girl chirped, offering her friend a small wave before walking further into the room. She strolled past Remus and instead stopped right in front of the thriving crops, “That’s actually why I came up here. I saw James in the common room and he told me all about how Sirius’ plants are growing so well, so I had to see for myself.”

Remus laughed.  
“What, didn’t believe him?”

“No, I believed that he _thought_ they were healthy,” Lily teased, sending the werewolf a smirk over her shoulder, “So, spill, what did you do?”

Blinking in slight surprise, Remus feigned complete ignorance as to what the question could be implying.

“Me? Nothing, you know I’m even worse at keeping plants alive the muggle way than Sirius is.”  
“That’s true,” She nodded, “But you’re smart and I happen to know how much you hate seeing that Black lard sad. So, tell me the truth. You might be able to fool the other wizard raised lot, but I know how to recognize a fake plant from a mile away.”

 _Of course she’d notice_ , Remus snickered to himself, _God have mercy on James if he ever even attempted to fool his girlfriend._

“So you noticed.” He gave the girl a sheepish smile at his vague confession and scratched the back of his head, “You didn’t see his face the morning he thought these plants were dying, Lils. We all liked to tease him about his slaughter of anything green, but I think his inability to keep them alive was actually getting to him… So, I checked out some books on herbology and transfiguration in the library and owled my mom to send me some books on muggle gardening… As well as two fake sprout plants…”

Locating the spells he needed to cast on the fake plant was difficult, he had to admit. It was no easy feat to figure out just how to enchant a plastic muggle crop to grow and look like it’s real counterparts, but he had managed it.

The actual Freddie and Phillip had died depressing deaths weeks ago, and now two hyper realistic fake plants took their spots. The spells cast on them disapparated the water that Sirius would poor into the pots every other morning and the glamor made them feel as though they were real, healthy plants. Even the smell was crafted to mimic reality and, while Remus wouldn’t voice it aloud, he was rather proud of his work.

“You’re something else, Remus.” Lily smiled, this time with genuine affection as she moved over to teasingly ruffle his head, “You must really love him.”  
The boy felt his face redden at the girl’s statement, but he offered no words of objection. Instead he merely smiled and shrugged,

“Or maybe I just wanted to end the disheartening string of flora suicides.”  
She laughed,

“You’re a true hero among plants.”

 

Xxxxxxxxxxx

 

It isn’t until nearly eleven that Sirius dragged himself back up to the dorm, the door banging open with unnecessary force as the long haired man mumbled broken sentences that seemed to be complaints. Intrigued, Remus sat up from where he had laid back on his bed and attempted to pick up pieces of the jumbled sentences.

He was able to decipher the words ‘torture’, ‘terrible’ and ‘how can such a small man hold so much evil?’ before he figured he had gotten a pretty good idea of what Sirius was going on about. It was that last sentence, though, that cracked Remus’ straight face and drew a chuckle from his lips.

The noise was soft but apparently enough to gain the exhausted man’s attention and the werewolf didn’t miss the surprised look that crossed the other’s expression – Remus supposed that Sirius had assumed he had already fallen asleep. It was a fair assumption, really, considering that that was exactly what he had been trying to do before Sirius’ return prompted him to move.

“Moony.” Sirius blinked, his grey eyes squinting in the darkness in an attempt to make out Remus’ form better, “I figured you’d be asleep by now.”

“Well I was trying,” The werewolf smiled pleasantly before reaching over and grabbing his wand off of his nightstand. He paused in his response to mumble a spell to turn the lights in the room back on, causing both men to immediately shut their eyes in distaste at the sudden brightness, “But your return was a bit loud for even me to sleep through.”

Sirius’ visage immediately turned sheepish at Remus’ teasing and he forcibly pried one eye open to gaze apologetically at his boyfriend,

“Whoops, sorry. Forgot.”

Remus, already recovering from the sudden increase in light by blinking rapidly to adjust, offered the man yet another smile to placate him.

“I’m just teasing Pads, I’ve been awake. How was detention?”

It seemed that the mere mention of where it was he had just come from managed to snap Sirius’ attention away from the intensity of the light and his mistake to instead return to complaining.

“Terrible! Don’t let Flitwick’s small size fool you, Moony, that man is evil! Wormtail and Prongs got sent to McGonagall and I was stuck with him.”

The werewolf hummed in a poor attempt to sympathize with the man before throwing a curious glance at the clock – it was eleven, not a terribly late return as far as detentions went.

“Well, I did tell you guys not to bewitch the Slytherin toilets to try and eat them when they sat on them. If anything I think Professor Flitwick went a bit easy on you – you’re back far sooner than Prongs and Wormtail will be with Professor McGonagall.”

“Maybe, but Minnie loves me! I could have spent the whole day hitting on her, but instead I was stuck helping Flitwick reorganize his inventory.”

Remus merely laughed at that, knowing better than to argue the topic with his boyfriend. After all, one could never win an argument when the other individual refused to fight using logic.

“I’m so sorry Pads.”

“The lack of sympathy you show for your tortured boyfriend wounds me, Moons. I’m hurt.”  
Remus snorted at that and rolled his eyes before moving over to lay on the right side of his bed.

“Just water your plants and come to bed – _I_ actually do want to get some sleep tonight.”

“Always so responsible, Moons.”

He grunted at that and Sirius grinned back, taking that as his cue to change and take care of Freddie and Phillip.

“Look at them prospering, Rem. Told you I could grow these little buggers.”

The pride lacing Sirius’ words as he carefully watered the two steadily growing houseplants brought a genuine smile to Remus’ lips and, not for the first time, he saw the merit in white lies. He’d do anything to see his boyfriend look this happy.

“You were right, Pads. I apologize for losing my faith.”

“You bet your arse I was. Forget a green thumb, I have a whole green hand!”

Remus laughed, “You’re taking the phrase a bit too literally Pads.”

“Who gives a shit – look at them! Soon I’ll be growing more muggle fruit than we know what to do with.”  
“Ah, and what fruit would that be?”

“Fuck if I know.”

Remus snickered. Leave it to Sirius to have no clue what on earth it was he was growing. Luckily the werewolf knew, as he had to replace the plants when they were dying. Sirius didn’t know about him researching them in order to complete the switcheroo, making it so Remus couldn’t actually tell his boyfriend what the plants were without raising suspicions. Maybe he could once they started to bloom.

What would charmed fruit even taste like? He couldn’t help but wonder, but he figured he’d jump that hurdle when he got to it. Could one actually use magic to make one object taste like another?

The werewolf allowed his thoughts to dwell on that topic while his boyfriend changed and got ready. He’d have to conduct more secret research in order to find a concrete answer, he decided, and finally allowed the subject to fade from his mind when Sirius carelessly flopped down onto the bed beside him.

“Ungraceful git.” Remus mumbled with a smile as Sirius leisurely dropped his arms around his waist and yanked him closer. Their legs laced together in their normal sleeping position and Remus placed a gentle kiss on his boyfriend’s head, “You flop around as a human just as much as Padfoot.”

“Padfoot has the right idea – flopping is so much faster and more comfortable.”

“Perhaps for _you.”_

Sirius grinned but did not offer a cheeky retort. Instead his face turned thoughtful for a moment,

 “By the way, thanks, Moony.”  
Remus blinked at the sudden gratitude, his eyes tilting slightly up to regard Sirius’ serene face resting only inches away from his own.

“For what?”

“For making me feel better by giving me those fake plants.”  
The werewolf immediately felt himself tense up at the polite accusation and he knew the arm Sirius had thrown over his waist felt the sudden tension. He silently cursed himself before stuttering out a rather unconvincing,

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about, Pads.”  
Sirius snickered at the play of innocence and shifted his head to gently kiss his lover on the cheek,

“It’s alright Moony, I know what you did, and honestly I appreciate it. You cared enough to go through the trouble of working out a spell to trick me.”  
The hand that he had previously placed on Sirius’ chest rubbed in anxious circles as he figured out how best to handle the situation. He knew there was no point in lying further and, instead, decided it was best to just come clean.

“I’m sorry Sirius, I didn’t mean to trick you, I just-….”  
“Hey, Moony, don’t worry about it. I know why you did it. I’m just not meant to grow those green demons.”

Remus smiled meekly at that, though he felt embarrassment still light up his cheeks at his being found out.

“… How did you find out that it wasn’t real?”

It appeared as though it was Sirius’ turn to look abashed at the inquiry, his eyes actively avoiding Remus’ as he mumbled his response. It was so soft and rushed that the werewolf wasn’t certain he would have heard it if he wasn’t so close to the boy.

“I kind of sort of tried to eat a part of it when I was Padfoot and it tasted like plastic… And then grew right back after I bit it…”

“You tried to _eat_ it?”

“In my defense it smelled really good to my dog mind and I was a little bit drunk… Your spell might have made it feel and smell like a real plant, but it tasted absolutely disgusting, Moony. I give It an 8/10.”

“Well I didn’t expect you to try and _eat_ the damn thing!”

“We all make mistakes, Moons!”

They dissolved into fits of laughter and two sets of arms wound tightly around one another in a firm embrace.

It was only after their giggles faded that Sirius placed a kiss to Remus’ head and sent him such a heartfelt smile that Remus felt his stomach flutter,

“I love you, Remus.”  
Remus smiled and buried himself closer to his boyfriend,

“I love you too, Pads, but you might want to give up on being a gardener.”  
Sirius barked a laugh,

“I think you’re right. I’m much more successful with werewolf raising. Maybe I should try taking care of more of those… - Ow! I was joking, Moony, joking!”  
Huffing and rolling his eyes in amusement, Remus silenced his boyfriend with a smooch,

“Oh shut up and stick with watering your fake flowers.”

 

 


End file.
